My heartbreak is a bushfire

My heartbreak is a bushfire. And my heart, the Australian bush. I am the daunting expanse, both unforgiving and curiously hospitable. I am the resilient eucalyptus, with the sweet, sticky scent in the summer. A contradiction, simultaneously intimidating and so fragile. 

All it takes is a match, discarded from the window of a rusty truck. A slip of the tongue, a throwaway line from the lips of a lover. A fire, set purposefully on my edges, meant to ignite but never to catch. And suddenly, the whole forest is alight.

I am the gumtree that burns so ferociously. All the undergrowth, home to so much love and so much history, heating like a furnace. Cooking and boiling and destroying anything lovely and fragile. Heartbreak thriving on my oxygen, my love of life feeding the destruction. Burning into my sternum and through my body. Stripping the life from my branches and leaving them bare and broken.

It's hard to put out an Australian bushfire. It's a dry, dry, place, and eucalyptus is so eager to burn. The flames jump from tree to tree, unrelenting and powerful. A spectacle of light and colour. Dangerous beyond belief. There's not enough manpower or water to stop my heartbreak in its tracks. When the fire runs out of oxygen, it will sizzle. It will sizzle and the smoke will clear and the destruction will be visible. A blackened horizon. Branches dangling, thin, broken, dead or dying. The sweet smell of eucalyptus mingling with the death of my love. 

But the thing about bushfires is that the bush does not cease to be. The same ashes that are a reminder of love lost provide the most fertile soil for seedlings. Parts of my heart that have not been turned to charcoal will root in the soil and begin to grow. It does not happen overnight. It does not happen in a week or even in months, but it does happen and the bush will recover. Not only does the bush return to its beauty, but it is stronger for the fire. And so my heartbreak is a bushfire, and I, the burning trees, will return. And I will stand tall, and beautiful, and fragile as ever. 

Engagement season and flighty women

It's engagement season. Left and right, my Facebook feed is full of sparkly rings, smiling women and an inordinately large amount of champagne. I'm not sure if it's the weather, or the stage I'm at in my life but suddenly, everyone I'm Facebook friends with has their shit together enough for their partner to afford a nice fancy diamond. Not that I'm really that big on diamonds; the prices are artificially inflated and mining them usually involves exploitative methods. But I do like the sparkle and I do like a good romance and right now, I'm feeling a little left out.

Not everyone I'm "friends" with is getting engaged, of course. Some are travelling the world. Their instagrams (because single people are more fond of Instagram than Facebook, apparently) are blues and greens and really old, seemingly significant buildings. They are living nomadic, carefree lives with hemp pants (and probably other cannabis related products). I'm also right now realising that I use parentheses too much when I write. So not only am I not travelling, but I am a subpar writer. There go my dreams of becoming a travel blogger.

The thing is, I'm not engaged. I'm not a mother or a traveller and I don't have particularly enticing career options to make up for the absence of diamonds and passport stamps. I'm the other college graduate. I'm the working-slightly-above-minimum-wage, in a not-really-a-career job, living at home and drinking cheap wine kind of college graduate. My savings account is measly, but not in an exciting at-least-I'm-travelling kind of way. More in a I-could-really-use-more-shifts kind of way. I'm not unlucky in love, but I haven't been with a childhood sweetheart or the same person since I stepped foot on my college campus. So I'm not quite at the engagement stage, but I'm not quite free and flighty enough to be the travelling type. And before you think "why do you have to be single to be the travelling type?" you don't, necessarily. But if you aren't, you have to have thought about it for long enough to save up. 

Anyway, I'm not sure there's a point to any of this except to say that if you're reading this and you are also drinking cheap wine, looking at your finances and groaning, and you majored in something absolutely useless, that you aren't alone. And also that you should contact me and reassure me that I'm not alone in this in between, not-quite-settled-not-quite-free phase. 

To the girl who won't give up on her first love

Being in love is awesome. Falling out of love sucks. So, when you think you get to choose which option you're going to take, you usually pick number one. And so many people I know fight with, and for, the person they love long after they should've pulled the plug on the relationship.

Actually, now that I've written 'pull the plug' I kind of like that metaphor, even though its a morbid one. Your relationship is dead. You know its dead, she (or he) knows its dead, and the only thing keeping it going is life support (or, as I have decided to call it, 'love support'). And especially if you've never ended a relationship before, you begin to think that love support equates to love. Heads up - it doesn't.

Your first love is special. You opened yourself up to another human in a way you didn't know was possible. Maybe they took your virginity. If you were having sex with them, you probably felt comfortable - if they weren't the first person you've slept with, it probably seemed like the most comfortable you'd ever be with someone. The thought of sleeping with someone else might scare the absolute crap out of you. What will they think of your stretch marks or scars? How often will you have to shave? How do you even go about sleeping with someone for the first time? Ergh. Faced with all of these awkward questions, its easy enough to decide to stick with love support.

You know you have flaws. When you're in love for the first time, it's easy to believe they are the only person who can put up with your flaws. More often than not, in a less-than-perfect relationships your S.O. has pointed out your flaws to you. If you're in a really crappy relationship (and I'm speaking from experience), your S.O. might've actually told you "I'm the only one who can put up with you".

But here's the thing. Whoever you are, whatever you've been, you deserve to be happy. Nobody deserves to feel like they are anything less than perfect for their partner. And there are like, seven BILLION people in the world. Do you really think you're that special or that awful that there's only ONE person who will date you? No. You don't.

Break ups are hard. I hate break ups. More than hating break ups, I hate feeling as if I've given up on something. I'm not going to sugar coat the idea of breaking up with your first love- because it's awful. My last break up sucked. I cried so hard i threw up. I didn't eat for three days. I got really, absurdly drunk. I tried drugs, and I'm not a drug person. But after a week or two, I began to notice some things.

I had friends. Like really fantastic friends who cared about me. Friends I had ignored while I was desperately attending to a hemorrhaging relationship.

I was perfectly capable of making myself happy. I didn't need someone to tell me I was beautiful, or to wipe my tears. I could wipe my own bloody tears. I could look in the mirror and tell myself I was a fucking goddess. It was easy, and it was fun.

Breaking up with your first love sounds impossible. But it isn't- trust me. I'm not going to say it'll all work out perfectly, because life isn't perfect. But it will sure as hell be better than staying plugged in to love support for the rest of your life.

How to know your relationship sucks

We've all been there.
Well, most people have been there. Sure, there are those people who fall in love at fourteen and stick it out. Or those people who don't really date 'til college and then they find the one. And sure, we all want that to be us. No one wants to fall out of love, or worse - nobody wants the person they love to stop loving them. But here's the brutal truth, sugar. People stop loving one another - at least in the romantic sense. Here's a couple of warning signs I've noticed and ignored in relationships that have turned around and bit me in the arse after a breakup.

1. They lie to you.
They aren't going where they say they are going, and you know it. You learn not to ask questions because you don't want to be lied to. It might not be about being out with another girl - it might be about where they went for lunch or what time they got home. But, in my opinion, people are honest as a sign of respect. So when they start lying to you, they no longer respect you. And you shouldn't stay with someone who doesn't respect you.

2. You have more fun without them.
Okay, this one seems obvious. And I'm not saying that a girls' night isn't a great thing every now and then, but when you have to go solo or with another gal pal to do the things you like, that's not a good sign. Good relationships are formed on mutual interests, and if you don't have them, get out.

3. When you fight, you fight dirty.
Fighting is normal. Fighting is healthy. Hell, even screaming at each other is okay sometimes. But it becomes unhealthy when you or your partner go for one another's weak spots. If you find yourself saying things you aren't proud of, that's a sign your relationship isn't healthy. Throwing furniture and screaming at one another before a steamy lovemaking session might look good on the T.V, but it shouldn't enter your reality.

4. You think about being with someone else.
This one is tricky. And in saying this, I'm assuming you're in a monogamous relationship, of course, and you and / or your partner have no interest in polyamory or open relationships. I'm also not saying that if you check someone else out, you are in a crappy relationship. We are human after all, and we have weaknesses. Mine happen to be big booties in sundresses. But I digress. If you find yourself imagining what it would be like to be with so-and-so from your economics class or your new "best friend", think about what they are providing that your partner isn't. If its something important, like a similar fascination with musicals or something equally as significant, remember that you can only date one person.

N.B. If you're in a monogamous relationship, only date one person. Don't cheat on your significant other because you can't face the break up. That is a shitty move. To everyone involved.

5. You don't like their family (or they don't like yours.)
Some people have shitty families. That shouldn't get in the way of their own happiness. That being said, if you are both close to your families, and you don't get along with their family or vice versa, that is a HUGE hurdle to overcome. If you date someone, you date their family. Do you want them to be your family forever? Can you handle them being your family forever? Are their values something you want to pass on to children, if you plan on having any?

6. You find yourself making sacrifices you aren't comfortable with.
Relationships require hard work, and they require sacrifice. But what a good relationship doesn't require is for you to sacrifice something that is important to you. Not eating in the car is one thing, but not going on hikes because your S.O. doesn't enjoy them is another. If you find yourselves giving up on your dreams to fit their plans, that's a sign that it might not be a match made in heaven.

Moral of the story is, most relationships fail. There's no shame in getting out of a bad relationship, because there are better things that await you once you free yourself of the shackles of your shitty S.O.

An Open Letter to the Aspiring College Athlete

If you're seriously thinking about college athletics, you're probably fairly talented. You've probably sacrificed a social life and sleep for the game and think you know a little bit about what it means to have a full schedule. As a graduating senior in college, I want you to know that you are most likely completely unprepared. I've never been to a military academy, but I venture that if you have, you might be almost prepared for the challenges you face as a college athlete. Almost.

College sport will consume you. Your coaches will own you and control you from the minute you step onto that campus to the day the clock winds down on your final game as a college athlete. If you're a free spirit prepare to feel stifled and stuck. You will have early mornings and long days and late nights. You will miss class upon class during your season and you will be too tired after travelling all day to write that paper for your economics class. You'll learn to either go to sleep four hours before your non-athlete peers or learn to run on four hours less sleep.

College sport will hurt. You will train for hours upon hours a day and then you'll go to class exhausted with ice clingwrapped to your knees. In college, you are a cog in a machine that is replaced every four years. You will be taught to ignore not only soreness but legitimate pain. You will play through sprains and stress fractures and maybe a concussion or two. Everything anyone has ever told you about taking care of your body will be sidelined.

College sport will make you feel inadequate. Day in, day out. You'll be yelled at virtually every day for four years of your life. You'll mess up or forget a play or sleep into an early mornings weight session. You will frustrate your teammates and your coaches and yourself. You won't be the best in the gym. You will learn to fail, over and over. And you'll be better for it.

College sport will give you some of the best times of your life. Your teammates will be your best friends, because they are going through the same things that you are. You will know them, inside and out. You will have their back and they will have yours. You will learn the true meaning of loyalty. You will lean on them after your coach has chewed you out or you've had a bad day or lost a big game.

College sport will help you grow. If you can hack it, you'll be better for it. You'll learn how to deal with people. You'll learn how to manage your time (sometimes the hard way). You'll meet boosters and fans and learn what it means to be somebody that someone looks up to. You will learn how to be a leader because, if you make it to your junior or senior year, you will remember what it feels like to be a freshman. You will learn how strong you are. You will push through a fitness session and you might shed a tear and not be able to move afterwards, but you will push through. And those skills will transfer into your life after college athletics.

College sport will leave a mark. You won't forget the times you spent in the gym at midnight or at 5am. You will remember how you felt after the upset game you won, if you played for 40 minutes or not at all. You will learn just how much you are capable of and how driven you are and even though college sport is the hardest thing you might ever experience, you will never, ever regret it.